you’ve carried me.

It’s been 4.5 months since I have been on here. I have had so many emotions and feelings about this space. Being back at BYU this semester, and especially in studying communications, I am gaining so many new insights on social media, blogging, and the effects these tools have in our lives. I have always had strong opinions and feelings about this space, even when I first started using Instagram privately, with only my friends and family. Within that small realm alone, I would get worried about adding to the epidemic of perceived perfection that plagues our modern day world.

I have talked about this so much you’re probably all sick of it. I’m sure I could pull up numerous archived posts on my feelings of beating the algorithm to get followers, of putting on lipstick before you take a photo, and of bribing your kids to smile for that frozen “happy” moment in time.

I have done all of those things.

I have also pondered my purpose and my reason for being present in this little corner of the universe. (And, obviously, I have been MIA for a while now.) Mostly just BUSY.

Am I here to inspire design? Am I here to grow my salon clientele? Am I here to share the woes and heartaches of  marital dissapointments? Am I here to pull you all into a romanticized world of motherhood?

Am I here to portray that I have all my crap together?

Cause I don’t.

Not even a little bit.

More often than not, I’m allowing my weaknesses to drive me. I’m not always proud of my self or my choices. I have so much room for growth.

HOWEVER- those thoughts can break me if I let them.

I’m doing a final project in one of my classes on the detrimental role of social media, and it’s effects on satisfaction, fulfillment, and expectations with women. It already has my mind reeling with where I fit in on this spectrum. Am I adding to that pain???

This specific professor also includes God in all of her lectures, and encourages us to ask Him what our purpose in communications is? Why am I here at this specific time, learning these specific things? What am I meant to say with the voice I have been given?

I really don’t have those exact answers yet, but I scrolled through my DM’s just now to gain some insight… and found a few gems from YOU GUYS. strangers, friends, role models, neighbors….SISTERS. And it reminded me what this space is. And how many freaking people have looked out for me this past year. people i would have NEVER found without this platform.

I have “lost” 100’s of followers the last few months, as I haven’t been posting. I told people “no” a long time ago that I wouldn’t buy followers or join comment pods, or be in-genuine to increase my numbers. (I am NOT saying if you do those things, you’re in-genuine.) I just know it doesn’t work for me or who I am, and certainly not my goal here.

I don’t care about numbers, or likes, or shares.

I care about connection.

And today I was reminded how beautiful connections have happened here.

So, I’m still here.

I’m adding a handful (these are just a portion) of the DM’s that inspired this post today. I wasn’t going to share them…but I need to. These are not to show you how “amazing” I am. These are to show you how amazing YOU are. And this community. And women inspiring and lifting and helping other women. Most of these are from complete strangers (many of whom have become CLOSE friends either through online support, or coming to my house for a hair appointment and me LOVING every second of it.) People who took the time, or listened to the spirit, and sent me a note of love, inspiration, or simply to check in on me. I mean, it BLOWS MY MIND and makes me want to be that kind of person to others.

You certainly don’t need to read through all of these. The point is to SEE THE GOOD. You guys are the good.

So there you have it. The internet is good. Technology can be a force for true joy and connection. Let’s all make sure we are using it for the right purposes, finding balance, and leaving the spaces we visit feeling better than we did before.

I truly love you all. And these are not just words. Obviously. Look how you’ve carried me this past year…. thank you.

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