My counselor explained it to me this way, “You’re experiencing life right now as you would swimming in a turbulent ocean. You’re being thrashed this way and that, forced in a direction you’re not sure is towards the depths or the surface. Your body is tumbling and your bearings are lost. You might catch the sun’s rays and feel like you have some small sense of which way to go…only to be hit face on by yet another wave. Every time you feel you have a grasp on life, you find that again…you don’t”
I haven’t blogged in months. And a big reason is just that. I’m not sure what I have a grasp on. If anything at all.
But regardless of my bearings …. one thing feels constant. And that is a need to share. To connect and grow with you. I have hesitated voicing my life situation because it is personal. And it is my husband’s life, and my children’s lives. Not just mine.
But I will do my best to leave out the details that have no place here…and only allow room for connection and love.
Many of my friends, all of my family, and probably none of you- know that I am separated.
There it is guys. The big dirty word. The label. The failure.
It’s amazing given the statistics of our population that go through marital separation or divorce- they’re STAGGERING. Yet, in my life… I feel so removed. SO alone. And so humiliated. Especially in the culture of the LDS faith, and with a temple marriage…there is an expectation that I have given to myself, and have been floundering to accept that I have not measured up.
Six months ago my family planned to move from the San Francisco Bay area to San Diego. Change in my husband’s employment and housing pushed us to pack our boxes and uproot life as we knew it. Unfortunately (or by God’s tender mercy) everything that seemed wrong in our marriage hit a climax at that exact time…and with trucks already loaded…we changed course to come home to Utah. To be by family, gain support, and figure out some long hidden demons.
That is what brought me here to this home in Utah. A place I never expected to return to.
I have spent these last six months in a fog, in a sea of tears, and in a rotating cycle of grief, denial, anger, and despair. YET, I continue to seek for learning. (I am not perfect at this.) I continue to spend countless hours on my knees begging for direction. Trying to visit the temple often, think of others instead of myself, and above all TRUST God more than myself. (I am more often than not…pretty terrible at these things.)
Some days I am stronger than others. Some weeks are darker than others. Often times I feel the weight of my little world and three precious innocent daughters depending on me. I find it crushing my soul to a point I don’t think I can continue on.
I have been a terrible friend to those I hold so dear in my life. People I left behind in California who I KNOW have my name on their lips with each prayer they give. To friends here who have reached out time and time again since I moved back…that I have pushed away without so much as an explanation.
Social media is a place where women struggle with comparison and envy. I used to think that meant coveting other’s waistline’s or wardrobes. I now know it can mean so much more. I can hardly sift through my feed without feeling resentment for every family I see that is whole. That “appears” to be healthy and united.
That is a dark emotion that I want lifted.
No part of me wants others to suffer the brokenness that I have felt. The loss of human connection and safety that comes from knowing you’re half of the bigger picture. That you have a teammate to hold you both physically and emotionally. A partner to laugh with at your children, or weep with during trials.
We’ve had birthdays. holidays, anniversaries, and vacations. Learning how to navigate these uncharted waters of doing things separately. Of our daughters using the verbiage “mom’s house/ dad’s house” And now those terms are becoming commonplace on my girls tongues, and my daughters are melting right into the statistic. Fading into the masses of all the other children who balance the consequences of their “adult” parents poor choices.
I never wanted to be that.
I grew up in a broken home.
I promised to never create the same for my children.
I served a mission.
so did he.
We went to BYU.
We were married in the temple.
Didn’t we check off all the “right” boxes?
How did we get here?!
I open up today not for pity. Not for judgment. But for understanding.
And to stop the stigma of feeling ashamed. I do not need to feel like a failure. To feel embarrassed or to feel less than. In fact..I have never done anything I am more proud of. Or accomplished an act that took more courage and bravery. I stand here with my head held high.
I want to be understood. And I want you to feel understood also. Anyone who is in similar shoes, knows someone in similar shoes, or wants to avoid ever being in these shoes.
There is no foolproof road map to find happiness. There is no way to control the actions and choices of others. There is no vaccine to provide immunity from the pains of this mortal world. You cannot know what life will give you.
BUT there IS a foolproof road map to find JOY, and there is One willing to take the pains of this mortal world. And He who does know all will guide you along as this life gives you what it will.
I’m not sure what will happen from here. My life is truly a sea of waves, and each time I finally feel an answer…I’m catapulted back into a mess of confusion.
But for now, I leave you with this…
Whatever faith you may be part of. Whatever stage in life you find yourself. Whatever hardship you cling to with tears in your eyes when you lay down each night. KNOW this… YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I AM NOT ALONE. YOU ARE ENOUGH. I AM ENOUGH. “I AM ENOUGH”!!! And I will shout that till I mean it, and I will cling to it till I trust it. And I will Believe it because I believe Him. I believe our Father in Heaven who knows I AM ENOUGH.
This will not break me.
Because I am of divine worth. I am the daughter of a King. And my heritage demands that I find that Love for myself. And that I trust it, until i KNOW It.
28 thoughts on “my truth”
I love you Hayley! You are enough. I will continue to pray for you and your family.
Love you too 😘
We’re all in this together! I love you so much, and infinitely more for sharing this raw, real, difficult situation. You’re right, we all know ow someone. No judgements here Sissy.❤️
Bless you Haley. I am a child of divorce and although I would pray from the depths of my souls to have my parents together; it truly has made me who I am. It has helped me understand others better and be more compassionate. It also brought me a friend in my step mom and another sister who is awesome.
I am a train wreck at this thing called life- on the outside and inside. I’m following you for the outside fixes and looks like we can help each other on the inside fixes. You are amazing, you have amazing girls and I thank you for putting yourself out there. And this social media thing is waaaaayyyyy out there. So god bless. Let’s endure to the end, shall we?
I loved everything about this. Thank you 😘😘😘
Thank you for putting in writing the thoughts that are etched on my soul. I sobbed reading this, because while I may be a little further along than you in this terrible process, I have felt (and continue to feel at times) all of the thoughts and emotions you so beautifully articulated (including resenting in-tact, happy families…what a ridiculous sentiment!). We are in this together. And no, this will not break us. Love you!
I wish no one knew what this felt like. 💔 But I’m grateful I’m not alone. Love you too 😘
You are a strong beautiful person and I know God is watching out for ALL of you. ❤️ You’re in my prayers and know that we’re close by
Thanks Amy. That means the world 😘
Hayley, I was unaware you were struggling through this but want you to know you will be in my heart, on my mind, and in my prayers. Life can be so messy at times.
You mentioned a concern for your girls and of course, as a mom, you would worry. It shows how much you love them. My feeling is that our kids were placed with us because we have the greatest potential to teach them all the lessons they need to learn from life. Those lessons come from our strengths and our weaknesses. Whatever path you, your husband, and your girls are having to tread right now has the potential to bring a lot of good. Difficult or easy, I hope you’ll find peace in knowing you’ll always be giving them exactly what God knows they need…and they will always be blessed by your love.
I hope you find healing through putting your feelings out there. I find your words beautiful, honest, brave and inspiring. If you ever want company at the temple, out to lunch, or any other help, please let me know. Love you!!!
Tanya- those words hit a place that needed to be reminded of such promises. Thank you for that. Love you 😘
I love this. I definitely look to you as an example. The social pressure to be perfect in our culture is overwhelming and unrealistic. It’s time to be who all really are so we can lift each other up instead of cultivating a lifestyle of judgment and envy. Love you!
You’re the best. So glad to be making new friends through this time of uncertainty. It’s one of the blessings I didn’t see coming 😘
Love you friend!
Hayley, the girls are adorable and so big…you are beautiful and so brave! My heart aches for you, but you are a glowing ray of joy and sunshine to be around, so I can see you floating over those waves in no time. Thank you for sharing such a private part of your life. I pray you find the happiness, peace and comfort you deserve. Bless you and you beautiful superhero daughters! ❤️
What sweet sweet words. Thank you a million times over. Encouragement is so helpful and needed. I appreciate it so much 😘
It super sucks when you feel like you checked all your boxes and life still goes opposite of how you had planned. I think it is one of the hardest things to bear, the “I’ve done my part God, make it better please” and the resounding answer is a big fat “no, sorry not in the cards right now”. I am so sorry you are having to travel this road, we will keep you in our prayers.
😘 thanks Kali- you guys are the best. Truly.
” . . . to stop the stigma of feeling ashamed” Yes to that! I applaud your courage and truth-telling. We need more courageous souls like yours to speak their truth to let others know they don’t need to hide in shame.
You’re the best Hayley- you deserve all the happiness in the world. Hugs.
Thanks Celeste 😘😘😘
You write so beautifully and from such a true place. Thank you for sharing even though I know that had to be hard. You are enough!
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Hayley I find you to be completely remarkable and genuine! Thank you for being the person of integrity, love and courage that we all need in our lives!
Goodness! Words i surely do not deserve!! But thank you sweet friend 😘
I don’t know you personally, but wow – what a strong, inspiring woman you are! I can’t imagine going through what you have gone through. I have many family members who have been through similar situations and it’s never easy. Stay strong girl, there is always hope! Keep sharing your thoughts as it helps those both who have felt similar feelings and those like me who have not. Your girls are lucky to have a mother like you!
What an incredibly sweet thing to say. My heart feels so much lighter because of good people like you. It means more than you know😘😘😘