emotional exhaustion

Written on the blog December 15, 2009 (13 days after birth):
 I had always heard that when I got pregnant I would become an emotional mess. Well, as much as that was true…it does not even hold a candle to the emotions I experience now.
I arrived at the hospital today, only to find myself sitting in my parked car sobbing, not finding the strength to go in. I had already called this morning, and knew everything was “fine” with my girls, but I just didn’t have it in me to face another day. Then, I was overwhelmed with guilty feelings, and also discouragement for how quickly I caved when we haven’t even made it to two weeks.
 I know we have so far to go.
 Once I got myself into their room though, I remembered why it’s worth it to me to sit at their bedsides all day long. Any time one of the girls so much as cracks her eyes open, or squeezes my hand….I remember that I would gladly sit here for another twelve hours in hope of another glimpse.
Those sweet experiences make the whole journey worth it.
The girl’s seem to be doing pretty well. It is so hard to update people on their physical status, because it literally changes by the hour. But let me give you a general overview:
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Still hasn’t gained weight, but is maintaining weight. Is on LOTS of help for her lungs. She is still intubated, with a tube down her throat to help her breathe. They tried to ween her to a different type of oscillator, but had to quickly put her back on the heavy duty one. She had her first poop yesterday! (and once she’s a teenager, will probably be thrilled that I shared that with the world.) She has been getting tube fed with my breast milk for a full two days now, and seems to be tolerated it well! She is off of her heavy blood pressure medications and insulin. So those are good forward steps. She has a small hole in her heart (PDA), but after two rounds of medication, it seems to be stable enough and small enough to leave alone for the time being. She has recently caught pneumonia, which will heed progress with her lungs, and she will be on even more antibiotics for the next two weeks. She has some cysts in her brain that developed while in-utero, (Every time her little cord was being squished and she was being deprived of oxygen, it would cause these to develop.) All we can do about these is PRAY and watch her progress and development for the next few years very closely for any signs of trouble. They are yet to find any bleeding in her brain…which is a MIRACLE for a baby of her size.
Very similar to Blue. She is up to 2 pounds and 9 ounces though! and that is very exciting. She is also on a heavy oscillator, tube feeding, both girl’s have PICC lines and about four other IV’s. They both love to clot, and therefore their IV’s don’t last too long. Because of this, they are also both getting pricked more than I would like. It is so very painful to watch your baby SCREAMING with absolutely no sound coming out. I just watch their little faces scrunch in pain and can see that they are yelling out for comfort, and are getting absolutely none. It is during those times that I just start to cry. I sometimes don’t understand why they have to go through this. Remmington also has lung problems, a lot of bleeding throughout her lungs, but it seems to be clearing up every day, even though she too has pneumonia. She also has a small PDA, and the first signs of brain cysts.Every single day Garrett and I ask question after question. Every single day we get completely different answers. Depending on the nurses and doctors that are on that day, we walk out of the hospital either feeling joyful and hopeful, and that progress is being made. Or we are feeling depressed and scared as we are reminded…

“We hope your babies make it through the night. We’ll call you if we need to.”

The hardest thing for me is the desire to hold them. In almost two full weeks, the most physical contact I have had with my girls is a light touch on the head, or holding their hands. I feel so insecure and like an unknowing bystander to my own children’s needs. It is absolutely overwhelming to see these young nurses touching and taking care of my children. It is a chore to constantly remind myself to be so grateful for them and the care they are giving my little ones. But the natural instinct in me wants to tell them to touch them differently, or not to be so rough, or to please just leave the room and let me have one moment alone with them. Every lullaby I sing is heard by others, every story I whisper is for a crowd, and all the tears I cry are witnessed by many. I know that I will have that chance, and I just need to be patient.

I am so thankful to know God. I cannot imagine going through this without Him. I have no doubt in my mind that my little angels were living with Him not very long ago. All I have to do is spend a few moments watching them, and I know that without any doubt. They are absolutely perfect. Unconditional love has an entirely new meaning to me now. Entirely.

added May 12, 2017:

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