I haven’t written lately because I feel so much I want to say- that I’m not at liberty to. My life is painful right now, and as I’ve said before- the trials I am facing are not mine alone. So, being the candid person that I am, yet not being able to share my true self, I have somewhat shied away from blogging at all.
This is not just a design blog. It is all things that make up myself. And my experiences and inspiration and also yes- my heartache.
My heart aches. Maybe more painful now than I have ever before known. And I’m learning what to do with that pain and how to channel it.
When I experience something that changes me- I ALWAYS write it down in a journal. My mind is not the sharpest- and without my journals I would honestly be lost. My experiences would be for naught as I would learn nothing from them. But as I went to record a profound lesson I learned today- I was prompted to set my book aside- and instead share it here. Why? I’m not sure. But if my vunerabltly can help one person, it will be worth it.
The last three days have been filled with pain. Literal pain. I’ve suffered chronic migraines the majority of my life- and at times find myself completely dibilatated. I haven’t slept in days- and my house looks anything but a haven. Chaos has torn through every corner and my girls put on their last pair of clean clothes this morning. You get me? It’s bad. On top of this comes the guilt of not being the mother I want to be. It’s always been a hard pill to swallow when my girls have to watch my writhe in pain instead of being able to meet their needs. They are wonderful and patient and understanding as any small child innately tends to be.
On top of this physical pain- is the heart ache I’m facing. Every time I start to get a grasp on things, or begin to find direction- somehow the cuts get deeper- and the last breath I was hanging onto seems to get knocked out of me. Literal feelings of suffocation have flooded my soul as I wonder how on Earth I can endure? (I know this doesn’t make much sense without details. But in all reality the details are irrelevant.) We’ve all been there. I know I’ve been here a time or two before. Although, again… this is the most agonizing I’ve faced so far. Be it the loss of a loved one, pain of others choices, infertility, not understanding God’s timing, disease, addiction, financial strain, insecurities, abuse, doubt… I could name hundreds more… we’ve all been there.
I spent the morning in bed yet again. Finally slept some after a shot of medication, while my sweet daughter watched yet another round of Netflix. I eventually fed her and got her off to afternoon kindergarten (in pants too big- yet clean). I knew I needed fresh air and some exercise. My body longed for it and my soul pushed me.
I left my house in ruins and went up to the trial behind my home. The dark clouds overhead and chilly breeze left the parking lot empty. Normally this is a very well trafficked hike. Was I sure about this? Meh. I had a jacket.
I began the hike with cardio in mind. I even jogged the first portion. But eventually the path became too wet and muddy. I was sliding around like a baby deer. And honestly must have looked ridiculous. Logic told me to go home.
But I didn’t.
And as I trudged up the isolated mountain- something inside of me broke. Audible sobs of anguish, frustration, and anger escaped me. I couldn’t decipher my tears from the raindrops, except for their warmth. It was the ugliest of all cries- but was long past due. (I cry a lot…. but this was much deeper).
For the next mile and a half I stomped my heavy muddy shoes up the hill, only to almost turn around half way. I was dripping, cold, and sobbing.
But without any real conscience thought, I just kept going. With each step and sob I felt lighter and lighter. I had the mountain to myself. And I knew God have given me that. This space and this time to escape, to learn, to grieve, and to listen. Still angry, still hurt, still confused… but lighter.
As cliché as this sounds… at the very moment I reached the summit the rain immediately stopped. And the clouds opened- and the sun poured down upon me.
And I knew.
Looking over the entire Salt Lake valley and feeling incredibly small and insignificant- I also felt incredibly loved and remembered. He is aware. Of me. Specifically. So often we focus on Christ and His atonement. And rightfully so. I know that it is He who suffered all, and it is He that knows exactly my pain. But in this moment with the clouds opened- I felt God. My Heavenly Father. The one who loves me so much He sent that very son to do His will. And I felt His awareness of ME.
He is aware of you too.
It was a pivotal moment for me. And one that I will remember.
And as I started back the way I had come, wouldn’t you know… the rain picked up right where it left off…and I heard God whisper to my soul “Hayley, how would you have recognized my warmth- if I had not sent the rain?”
I know this is not a new lesson. But one I obviously needed. I descended the mountain with tears rolling down my cheeks, but this time of gratitude and peace.
Again- I open myself up and share this very personal experience because I think it should be shared. I gain strength from others strength… and how are we to do that if we keep all of our learnings to ourselves. (I do believe there is a time and place for everything- and some sacred moments are just that. And need to be kept as such.)
With this re-learned peace, do I think the rain will stop? Will it slow to a trickle? Or might the wind pick up AGAIN and become even more fierce than I thought possible?
I honestly have no idea.
But He does.
So, for anyone that might be in the very middle of their personal storm today. If your wounds are getting deeper than you thought possible, if you’re ready to give up and give in.
He’s there. He’s aware. And He knows.
Sometimes it seems impossible to trust that. And it’s likely I might wake up tomorrow and again feel suffocated by my storm…. I don’t expect immediate healing or joy.
But I do know that He is allowing this rain. And that if I keep going. If I keep sliding and trudging through this muddy misery… I will eventually feel the warmth, and understand His reasoning. And look back in awe.
I hope this makes sense- and again might touch someone who needs a little hope. If you’d like to comment with a name of someone who needs some prayers- I would be so grateful. I know I need to look outside of myself right now. And praying for others is a powerful tool for my soul. I know that others are praying so diligently for me- and that is probably the exact reason God gave me this mountain today.
(also-I hope my friends of all different faiths and beliefs knows that this is for everyone. If you don’t know God, or aren’t sure of your specific beliefs….please know that you are taken care of and loved.)